I'm reading the above book for the third time. I think it's really a good thing to make sure we relearn some things. This book empasizes how we can't expect our kids to behave unless they feel unconditional love from us parents. The author talks about that it's so barbaric to punish a child when that child is really just asking the question, "Do you love me?". It talks about the concept of a "love tank". When the child's love tank is empty, they will behave that way. If the tank is full, yet they still misbehave then punishment is in order.
There are so many books about discipline but they speak of discipline in terms of punishment and ignore the love issue. Discipline is far more than punishment. It is steering our children into the right path, not beating them into the right path. Ephsesians 6:4 says "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." When we punish our kids unjustly then we are provoking them to anger. Before punishing, is their love tank filled? If not, they need to be shown love.
Looking back at so many instances where my kids have misbehaved, it's been because of an empty love tank. Most of us do love our kids but do they really know it? When was the last time we just gave them a hug for the heck of it? When was the last time we turned off the TV and put down our book and looked at our kids in the eye and talked and listened to them with our undivided attention? When was the last time we took one of our children out and just spent quality AND quantity time with them? If we don't have good answers to those questions then we must expect our kids to ask us "Do you still love me?" but they won't ask us directly, they'll misbehave. As Bill Cosby said, kids are brain damaged. They are irrational and need their love tanks filled up regularly. We need to remind them of our love.
My pastor preached a wonderful sermon on this topic about 2 years ago. Here are the notes and the audio.
This book deals with something called "reality discipline". It's tying discipline to real consequences. For example, your kid messes around in the morning before going to school and will be late. The kid may want a note for an excuse. Reality discipline says, don't give the kid a note. They need to live with their action and the consequences.
Posted by Tim at October 6, 2003 10:27 PM
